Toa Hewkii: The Spectacular SpiderFan
by Koran- Toa of Sound
Summary: Toa Hewkii battles throughout the local Walmart discovering chronically depressed Matoran, halfcrazed halfconfused Noobs, and ridiculously stupid crossovers. It's a dastardly highoctane adventure so bizarre and so inaccurately named that I've run out of
1. Chapter 1 The Madness Begins

**Its:**

**Toa Hewkii:**

**The Spectacular Spider-Fan!!!**

Spider-Fan, Spider-Fan

Does whatever a Nut-job can

Names a price, Oversized

Served with Beef, just like Fries

Look out! Here comes the Spider-Fan!

Is he strong? Quite Contrar!

He got zapped by a big Red Star.

Can he swing from a chain?

Take a look at that Sprain.

Aw man, there goes the Spider-Fan!

When the Piraka are on the run,

When Brutaka's on the hunt

When Lego's profits are in the slump 

If licensing permits he would show up!

Spider-Fan, Spider-Fan

Friendly Marketing-Ploy Spider-Fan

Wealth and fame, Lego Gets

Signing-off is his regret

To him, life is a great big bang-up

Wherever there are Sale's-up

You'll find the Spider-Fan!

Announcer: Toa Hewkii will be right back!

Axonn: Hi, I'm Axonn. And when I need to protect the Mask of Life and allure all the hot Ga-Girls, there's only one thing I use. Axonn™ spray!! It helps you get an edge on life!

Gali approaches.

Gali: Hey you big hunk of a guardian, can you restore my sight?

Axonn: Sure thing, babe.

flash, shzaoww

Gali: Thanks. See you around.

Axonn: y'See what this stuff can do! Try it today.

Riculously Fast-Speaking Announcer: Also available in Axonn™ Deo.

Axonn: With Axonn™, get your Ax - Onn!

Announcer: And now back to Toa Hewkii.

Encounter on Aisle-U-Lon 5

written by Toa Koran

Hewkii: Captian's log stardate: 10-11-2006, I'm on route to Aisle 5 on the Voya Nui Walmart (dang, their everywhere!) in order to find the new Bionicle fans that Greg has talked about. Rumor has it that Thok may be there, I wonder what I will find-

Lawyer on Loudspeaker: Hewkii! Mega Bloks has Trekie rights! Oh, and cleanup on Aisle 5.

Hewkiimind: Ha, I knew he got the boot after the copyright finanza that followed after the Spider-Fan's creation. Hahahhahahahaha- wait. Aisle 5, as in Bionicle 5?

Loudspeaker: that is correct.

Hewkiimind: must not think about the many stupid security devices enclosed in this building that violate privacy after Vezon stole the Mask of Life

Vezon: So, um, uh, that's a cool mask there security guard.

Spit: Normally I'd try to stop you, but considering how much is enclosed in my paycheck here, and how they will son replace me with either cheap labor, or mind reading security equipment, I don't care.

Vezon: Yes, hahahahahahahahaha-

thud

Vezon is crushed by a 16 ton weight,

screeeeeeeeeech Kur-thud

...and Fenrak.

Spit: I'm going back to the Ta-Koro Burger-Shack. Not because it's under lava, looks to audience but because you guy's need to know it was there first.

Hewkii still in mind!?: ...I must find Aisle 5!

Hewkii: Alright! now, where is Aisle 5? Gasp!

realizes Aisle 5 is on the completely other side of the Wal-mart

Hewkii: I must get over there! what would a Kamikaze Watermelon fanfare "weeee!" splat do in at a time like this? Oh wait, I know! I'll-

Hewkii along with quartette: Do whatever a nut-job can!!!

Hewkii: Alright! Chain don't fail me now! Yah!

chain latches onto rafters

Hewkii: Hah!! smashes into sign ungh. whomp

Vectorman: You ok, man?

Hewkii: Hey, get outa here, you!! We got enough cult shows and video games visiting our world already! walks off, ax and chain stuck to Vectorman grumbles you'd think they'd stop at Kingdom Hearts but now EVERY universe is crossing ova- thud Uh, oh, sorry. Forgot your a magnabot.

Vectorman: Oh, it's ok. We're cool.

Hewkii: Good. Oh, and I liked your PS2 game. Sorry it got canceled. you know, you and Master Chief-

Vectorman: Yeah, yeah I know. Oh, and bring me back, Sega. At least Koran knows who I am.

Hewkii: Yeah and also anyone who replies and says so. wink wink

Axonn: Yeah reply, foo'.

Vezon: Mhwmphmph

Intercom: Reply!

Spit (submerged under lava): I personally don't care.

Well, you heard them. Reply and keep this thread going... Please?


	2. Chapter 2 Major Malt Adjustments

Thanks to all who have read!!!! I greatly enjoy your feedback.

Ketsu-Dan- Thanks, I know. I choose that because at BZPower (where this was originally posted) people were (and still are) crossing over series _waay_ too much. I chose Vectorman cause he's the most unknown Videogame character out there. If you have a Genesis, buy it. You won't be sorry.

Anywho, I've been writing like a maniac at school (PDA) and have made up to Part 5. I'll try to post more regularly. So, without further Ado…

**Toa Hewkii: Part 2**

When we last left our heroes they had just won a debate against the heads of Mount Rushmore and were looking for some new wristbands.

Vectorman: Dang the chea- cough cough Oh, sorry. Hewkii, why are we in the Men's clothing department?

Hewkii: This is the only path on foot that does not go through the forbidden zone.

Vectorman: Forbidden zone? What's the forbidden zon-

A screech can be heard. A Le-Matoran can be seen running from a mob of robed Ga-Matoran with many 'a Puku Hammers.

Vectorman: Oh. Oh, yes I see.

Hewkii: Well then, takes out axe ready to slice through clothes in the way let's continue.

Vectorman: Yes, let's.

several clean chops later...

Hewkii: Well, we made it through there. Now all that's left is-

Hewkii and Vectorman: Gasp! The AV department!

Vectorman: Wait, why do we need to go through there? We could take the main pa-

Hewkii: No!No! That's just what they want us to think. We gotta get them off our trail!

Vectorman: Who?

Hewkii: Them!

Hewkii points to several noobs to Bionicle.

David: So, so, so, so, like, the Praka ba- battle th- the good guys and a- they are good.

Some Assorted other Noob: Wait, where's Vakama?

Vectorman: Oh. I see your point.

Hewkii: Good. FOR DEDICATED BIONICLE FANS WHO'VE BEEN HERE SINCE SLIZERS!!!!

Vectorman: For... um... well, for ...16- ...b-...bit.

They arrive at the AV Department.

Vectorman: Ok, now what?

Hewkii: I don't know. looks at PS3 sign What, PS3? When will we get to 9?

Vectorman: Wasn't it like, 2027, or like, 2056?

Hewkii: I don't know. Dang it! I wish Turaga hadn't blocked me from using Google Video

Onewa: High Huki, how are yo- see's the projected image of a tidal wave AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Po-Matoran: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

Hewkii: Well anyway, Bionicle by then would've either been in another prequel or some other quest for the Mask of Life

Newest Toa of Fire: At last! We've reached Mata Nui! You have the mask, Elderly Turaga Matoro?

Elderly Turaga Matoro: ...meuh... holds out mask m-... mea-...

Some Assorted Bird: caw!!! swoops down and takes mask.

Newest Toa of Air: Lookup! Everfly Bird has taken the Lifemask.

everyone is confused.

N. Toa of Air(annoyed): sigh Just get the mask.

N. Toa of Fire: Yes! Come my fellow toa! Come Spit, Toa of Chronic Depression and Disgruntledness!

Toa Spit: I find it funny how they pretty much ran out of matoran and powers just to give me a Toa stone.

Hewkii: Well, nevermind about that. We need to get through the AV Section.

Vectorman: Well, what will we do?

Hewkii: Hmmmm...

What will Hewkii do? What will he come up with? Why am I asking you? Well, because I only post if you want me to. So post away!!!


	3. Chapter 3 Graphite, You, And Halo 2

_**Koran's Note:**_ _Well, I'm back, FINALLY!! Sorry I haven't updated in a few months (I tend to do that sometimes; Meh ()) All other references aside, I'll try to post part 4 at latest Sunday night (New Years) I need to tie up loose ends because I am about to take this story in a different direction. Now, here you are!!!_**  
**

**Toa Hewkii: Part 3**

slight phonograph noise

Announcer: Last time on Toa Hewkii...

organ chord

Going through the mens department, our heroes discovered the AV Department

bigger organ chord

Talked about the PS3

Biggest Chord

...Oh, and got lost.

What will Happen? Stay tuned to find out!!!

Other announcer: Toa Hewkii is brought to you by your good friends at Mustard Spray© brand deodorant When the going gets tough, use Mustard Spray©. Mustard Spray©, smell like a hot do-scchz

Hewkii: Ugh,I hate those old radio shows. Their always run as a commercial to promote their product.

Vectorman: Yeah, and they always cancel it when the people don't buy the product.

Announcer: What will happen to Takua's Toa "Ain't it Cool!!!" card? Reply to this topic to find out.

Koran: No interest, huh? Sigh I guess it's back to going into my yearly seclusion from the Forum.(takes off mask and powers down.)

Vectorman: Well, I hope our readers keep interest.

Hewkii: Yeah, or Koran will have to fall back on that Christmas Vahkii story.

Hewkii: Well anyway, we need to find a way outa here.

Vectorman: How so?

Hewkii: lemme use my noodle...

Hewkii's Metronome-based Noodle: tick-sploosh tock-sploosh

Vectorman: I guess there's- splish a pun involved- splosh a rather bad one,- squoosh too- squaush

Hewkii: Hmmmm... skuanch- I got it!

Vectorman: k, shoot.

Hewkii: Ok, you know you look like Master Chief right?

Vectorman(hesitantly): ...yeah,

Hewkii: And you know how your game on the PS2 was canceled, right?

Vectorman(rather annoyed): ...uh, yeah... don't bring it up again.

Hewkii: Ok, here's the plan...

ten minutes later...

6 Year-old Halo 2 Addict: Master ChiChiefef!!!!Master Chief!!!! Mom, it's Master Chief

Oblivious Uncaring Mother: Ok, whatever... j- just go get that Grand Theft Auto... San Andreas whatnot... an- and that Action Replay whatever... to play that minigame- Cellphone Ring Hello... Oh! Hi Rita! Huh? Oh, just taking that runt into Walmart buy a game. Yeah, yeah, he can buy whatever the h--- he wants. I don't care (takes swig of questionable substance) so anyway...

Boy watches his Mother, proud to be "just like her" when he grows up. Vectorman watches in disgust

H2Addict: I love my Mommie!

Vectorman: Yeah, you do that, kid...

Hewkii: ROTFLOL at the end of the aisle

H2Addict: So, Master Chief...

Vectorman(mumbling): I'm SO gonna kill Hewkii...

H2Addict: ...why are you at the PS2 display?

Vectorman: Don't you know that my PS2 game was canceled?

H2Addict(screaming): WHAT?! THAT'S AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!! HALO 2 ADDICTS ASSEMBLE!!!!!!!

The six-year-old screeches so long, and at a so insanely torturing pitch that even Master Chaos himself is cupping his his ears. Hearing it at ground-zero, can obviously cause damage to any mere fleshlings sanity.

screeching stops. nearly everything in the PS2 aisle has been obliterated, protection from the shear power of a child's scream. Several Symbionites can be seen lying dead.

Vectorman: What the Vec just happen?

Hewkii: Tee hee! You just sounded like Captain N's Megaman right now.

Vectorman: Quiet you! or I'll- wait, what was that?

Hewkii: What?

Cheap wireless controller rumble function can be heard. Hewkii and Vectorman watch in disbelief as many different age levels, -.75 year-old unborn babies still in the womb to 112 year-old Foundation founders who all play Halo 2 approach the AV Department teller in a zombie-like fashion. Soon all are assembled.

6YrHalo2Addct: People, today Sony has given us an injustice. We are here to strike terror into the hearts of all who love Sony. TO THE COLLECTIBLE ACTION FIGURE SHELVES!!!!!!!!!!

Halo2 Army: YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

The undead army forms a mob and charges to the Toy Department. Hewkii and Vectorman ride the wave.

Vectorman: Uh, Hewkii.

Hewkii: Yeah?

Vectorman: There aren't any collectable action figures in Walmart. That's only in Meiyer.

Stampede stops. All are silent, trying to use what little brain cells they already haven't Fragged out of their heads.

6YrHalo2 Addict: TO MEIYER!!!!!!

Halo2 Army: YAA

Stampede charges out of the Walmart. Hewkii and Vectorman get off. They wait for them to be gone before speaking.

Vectorman: Won't they need to go to the great lakes region in order to get to a local Meiyer?

Hewkii: Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Announcer: Tonight on Indiana's (Loophole) Newscenter.

Flash

Linda Jaxtion: Daylight savings time: did it work?

Flash

Linda: Alli County Community Schools test grades ridiculously low; are the students learning anything except sports and how to be jerks?

Flash

Weather Guy salvaged from ABC affiliate: Is weather gonna be good? We'll look at the weather tonight.

Linda Jaxtion: Plus, a state of emergency at the local Meiyer as well as the entire city overrun by Halo 2 players and our owner, Graphite Broadcasting, seizing the entire media and issuing a police state, we'll look at that too.

Announcer: Tonight on Indiana's Universal Dictating Newscenter.

Hewkii: Well... then, ... tune in next time!


	4. Chapter 4 Hickory Dickory Thok

**Author's note: **Thanx for those who are reading. I take great pride in making others laugh and shortly after, think about what you just read. I wrote this in early Nov so, you might see several odd things in story; sorry I didn't get it on until now. Happy New Years!!!!!! I'll try to get in more Chapters that you can enjoy. Starting next year (aka. tomm. onward,) The story will have a whole different plot point; one reason that tis needed to be put up. Oh, and I love to hear what people think of my work (**Subliminal messages:** Reviews!!!!); It makes me no others still have interest in what I right. Also, I want to know if anyone knows who the heck Vectorman is besides me telling them. I heard there was a contest that was about beating the first game, and I want to know if _anyone,_ besides me is a fan (No fan sites). Pleaz, if you no who he is, tell me. Also, tell the admins to get more symbols like ,, etc etc... added to the uploader. It leaves my fanfics incompleate. Anywho...

* * *

**Toa Hewkii: Part 4**

Physical Health and You.  
a lesson in obeying your mother's pleas

Announcer: Well, hello Billy! How old are you? 45 you say? And still living with your mother as well, mmm? Well, this would be a good time to learn about personal hygiene.  
You see Billy, our mothers want us to be clean so they can tolerate to raise us at our 'special' age. You also need to be hygienic so that you can get a wife and then let her deal with you mmkay? Oh, and in case your wondering, Hewkii and Vectorman have made it to the Toy Isle.

Finn.

Hewkii: Toy film projectors?

Vectorman: It'll never last.

Hewkii: Well anyways, instead of keeping our readers in suspense

Vectorman: Like we've done the past 3 parts.

Hewkii: Quiet you!

Vectorman: k.

Hewkii: Ok, now on to... Dang it! you made me forget!

Vectorman: Let's just go to Aisle 5 like we were suppose to-

Hewkii: Now I know! let's head to Aisle 5!

Hewkii rushes off, Vectorman remains where he's standing

Vectorman: Anyone noticed how our premise has been pushed to the limit

Hewkii: We're here at Aisle 5!

Vectorman: Yes, Yes we are.

Hewkii: But, where are the Bionicle noob- gasp!!

Vectorman: What?

Hewkii: There they are!

Bionicle-Noob David: he- hey p- Piraka.

Hewkii: What?

Vectorman: Did he call you "Piraka"

David: Yeah, I- I- I- I- I-...

-Ten. Minuets later...-

David: I- I- I- I- I- I-

Vectorman: OK WE KNOW WHAT YOU WANNA SAY!!!!!!

David: Hey, I know you, your from-

Vectorman: Your brother's Genesis. Yeah, we know. He's writing this.

David: Yeah, yeah, He's- he's- he's- he's-

Vectorman: STOP IT, OK!?!?!?!

David: O- ok.

Hewkii: Ok, now that that's over-

Other Noob: Who are you?

Hewkii: What?

Noob: I never saw you in Metru Nui.

Hewkii: I was on Mata Nui.

Noob: Who?

Hewkii: Do you mean the person?

Noob: Yeah.

Hewkii: No, the Island

Noob: I didn't hear 'bought no Island

Hewkii: When did you hear about the Rakkshi?

Noob: Rakka-Who?

Hewkii: You know, those hunters that don't need to sleep or rest and that work for Makuta.

Noob: Zaktan?

Hewkii: Uh, no.

Noob: You don't know much about Bionicle.

Hewkii: Ok then, why is Makuta destroyed and in the Antidermis when he was clearly ok after last year?

Noob: Uh, Uh, uh... YOU'RE MEAN!!!!!

Vectorman: I'm getting annoyed by these guys.

Hewkii: Well, I'm pretty impressed he knew that much. For a noob, they'll usually just buy the toys and read the comic.

Vectorman: Well, at least Thok hasn't shown up... yet.

Hewkii: Oh don't worry! He won't show!

Thok: Yeah! you're way too paranoid, Vec'.

Vectorman: Yeah, I guess I'm a little too paranoid Tho- Wait, Thok's here!!

Thok: Yaaaaay

Hewkii: Yaaaa-

Vectorman: No! Thok Bad.

Hewkii: Oh, ok. Thok bad. Now I see... wait... Oh cru-

Chink Hewkii is frozen solid.

Vectorman: Vectorcrap! (notices Thok ROTFLOL at him saying this.) Ok... NOW'S MY CHANCE!!!!

Thok: Hahaha- i c u

Vectorman: I know, (whips out PS2 Vectorman Energy Sword, a total rip-off of the weapon in Halo 2) YAAAAAA!!!!!! (slices off Thok's weapon... and the Lego piece holding it.)

Thok: Dude! You, you, cut off my weapon!!!

Vectorman: Yup.

Thok: And my Hand!!!!!

Vectorman: Oh, is that what Lego calls it?

Thok: Well yeah. Despite it mainly being there to utilize the Dual Action Ability of my weapon, it's widely considered my Hand. I mean, look at the game.

Vectorman: Yeah, I saw the screenshots. Not including every Toa, huh?

Thok: Yeah, yeah pretty much.

Vectorman: Uh huh... Ok...

Thok: Yeah... Gona write something Koran?

Look, I'm doing the best I can!!! I'm having a writer's block!

Hewkii(still in ice): wel- h-h-h-ury up!

Ok, ok, I'll through in a very, very random Dues ex Machinia

Thok: Well the, EAT ZAMOR MAGNET-FREAK!!!!!!

Vectorman: dodge!

zamor ricochets off the aisles...

pingtongpinkdonk

...and into the Generic Lego Aisle

thud

Voice 1: What? What is this?

Voice 2: Looks like a Zamor Sphere.

Voice 3: Where did it come from?

Voice 2: Looks like the next Aisle over.

Voice 3: Isn't that the Lego Aisle?

Voice 2: Yeah, I think it is.

-pause-

Voice 3: So, what are we gonna do?

Voice 1: I'll tell you what were gonna do.

Voice 2 & Voice 3: What?

Voice 1: ... ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

suddenly, over the top of the Aisle, comes an army of Generic Legos, Magna-men, and other building toys furious at being placed in another Aisle. Soon, Thok is surrounded.

Thok: Well, this is awkward.

Generic Army: ATTACK!!!!!

Thok: crap.

Thok is ripped apart as Hewkii and Vectorman watch in awe.

Vectorman: wow.

Hewkii: whistle

Assorted Magnaman: Hey! Vectorman! I'm your biggest fan!!! You are a big inspiration to us all! Will you sign my magnet?

Vectorman: Uh, sure.

scribbles "to 'my biggest fan!!!' -Vectorman" Assorted Magnaman nearly faints.

Assorted Magnaman: Thanks, man! Now, TIME TO 'A FINISH DIS!!!!!

He summons up a major amount of blinding magnetic energy causing Aisle 5 to implode, sending everyone and everything to fly in different directions. The Christmas Vahki Toy Drive receives a generous amount of Lego products.

Hewkii: Jeez, Christmas alreadeeeeeeee...?!?

-finally-

Hewkii: Weeeee!!!! crash Do It Again!!!Do It Again!!!Do It Again!!!Do It Again!!!Do It Again!!!Do It Again!!!Do It Again!!!

Vectorman (Hewkii's Chain still attached.): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!- Snap latches to something metal

Hewkii: Woah, what's that?

Vectorman (dazed): Extra Crispy or Original Recipe?

Hewkii: No not you! That!

Vectorman: Huh? looks down O.

Zoom out to show hatch sticking out of the floor orchestra hits a minor note.

LOST

Hewkii: Hey, is this the Dues Ex Machina he was referring to?

Vectorman: No, he had this planed for quite a while.


	5. Chapter 5 NeXTBoX beats XBOX 3k to 42

**Korans' Regular Note Time!!(Stan Lee Style): ** Hi one and everyone. As you may guess from Chapter 4, Hewkii and Vectorman had just uncovered the "LOST Aisle". And yes, this one's LOST themed. However, I combined it with something _very_ unlikely, but I can't imagine why they haven't been combined b4. So, Enjoy!**  
**

* * *

**Toa Hewkii: Part 5**

Previously on LOST.

Rousseu: The Others are coming. Hewkii & Vectorman exchange looks They will take you, and your children, and your children's children. You cannot run, just hide.

Hurley sees Dynamite; Hewkii lights match.

Hurley: The numbers are bad!!! The numbers are bad!!!The numbers are bad!!!

Vectorman: Get outa here!!! your not in this Fic.!!!

Jack, Locke, Kate, Hurley, and the Monster's eyes widen. they suddenly all disappear with a Pop!

Hewkii: You too, Rousseu.

Rousseu: You guys seen Alex?

Vectorman: She's on the Hydra Island. If you run fast enough, you'll catch it.

Rousseu's Eyes widen as she dashes out. Hewkii an Vectorman look at each other.

Vectorman: talk about too many Lost references

Hewkii: Plus that Deus Ex Machina part.

Vectorman: That too.

Hewkii: So, let's go inside!!!

Vectorman: It's locked.

Hewkii: So, knock!

Vectorman: Knock!?! are you serious?!? So you're saying I'll just walk over there, knock on here bang, bang and suddenly, I'll just get an answe- swuangg-g-g!!! -Errrrrrrr!!!!!

Mike Nelson: Hello? Anyone out here?

Hewkii: Mike Nelson!!!

Mike Nelson: Yeah! Who else would be stuck in some old structure being forced to do something?

Hewkii: Uh, a scottsman, a Persian Gulf veteran, and a guy with an eye-patch?

Mike: Well, I can't argue with that.

Vectorman: Uggh... what just happened?

Hewkii (rushing over): Vec, it's Mike Nelson!!!

Vectorman (magnets accidentally laching on to Chain-Axe): Who?

Hewkii (arms in air along with Vectorman): Mike Nelson!!! Of MST3K Fame!!! lets go of chain. Vectorman screaming like Toad can be heard of in the distance.

Mike: Hey, you guys wanna come inside?

Hewkii: background: Ahhhhh- crash Vectorman: Ouch... Sure.

Mike: Ok, come on down to "The Lost Aisle"

Vectorman (Regaining sanity): Not another Lost reference.

Hewkii: Oh, quiet! Koran had that idea for a loong time. That's Right!

Vectorman: Ok whatever! I just want my head to stop spinning.

Hewkii: Well, I want a jar of Dagwood meat, but you don't see me complaining.

Vectorman: Just get down there and advace the plot push Hewkii: Weeee!!!! Meh, stupid snap hewkaaaaaaaaaaay- falls face first into puddle

Hewkii: That's not how my name's pronounced.

Vectorman: Ok, whateve-

Mike (stepping on Vectorman, forcing him into the puddle again.): Well, here we are!

Hewkii gets a good look at the area. It looks like an old NY sewer complete with sewage, gators, and the TMNT.

Hewkii: Nice place.

Mike: Hey thanks. I tried my best to keep these passages as tolerable as possible.

Vectorman (translated, still face first in puddle): Tolerable my butt. I don't know how much Antidetermis I've already swallowed.

Mike: Well, let's go into the main room.

He leads them into the main room. It looks quite well furnished with many accommodating features. I can't be more monotonic...

Vectorman: Well, this is very original. Trying my best, bub!!

Mike (still optimistic): Well, let's go into the computer room.

Hewkii: Computer Room?

They enter the Computer Room. It looks like a giant Jungle Gym. An old NeXT BoX is sitting on a fold-out table with an external CD drive and a sea of wires coming out. Several thin, middle-aged men in hooded robes are seen worshiping it.

Robbed Men (gregerian chanting): Oh, the most holy Com-pu-i-ter, of which we do adore.

Vectorman: Ew! Cults!

Hewkii: How long have they been down here?

Mike: Oh, about two years.

Vectorman and Hewkii: Two years?!?

Mike: Yeah, and I've pretty much been down here for about three.

Vectorman: Well, what's the computer for?

Mike: Watch the film.

Hewkii: The film?

beep!beep!beep!beep!

Mike: OH! WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!!

6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

grainy film on screen

Mike: Oh look, Ma's old movies.

Hewkii: Now honey, we're gonna see when Mommie was a girl.

(The Parma Initiative)

Vectorman: Oh look, Parma. It really is Mom's stuff

Mike: Or a big hunk of cheese's

Hewkii: True.

Vectorman: Yeah.

(Scientist: Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Candy,)

Mike, Hewkii, and Vectorman: Hey! Cool! Wow!

(Candy: And no, my limp arm is not taffy.)

Mike, Hewkii, and Vectorman: Awwww!!!!! (dangit!)

(Candy: and this is the Orientation film for your station.)

Vectorman: No! I just went and stole it from The Flame

(Candy: But first, a little history.)

Hewkii: Now, when a mommy Station, an a daddy station really love each other-

Vectorman: Not that history, Stupid!

Hewkii: Oh, sorry.

(Candy: The Parma Intitiative was created in 1970...)

Vectorman: To find the best hippie cheese.

(... a brain-child of Gerald and Karren DeBoot...)

Mike: I guess they couldn't have kids any other way.

(...at the University of Minnisota...)

Hewkii: I'm Peter Graves!

(...Following in the footsteps of B.F. Skinner...)

Mike: I bet he has a crucifix in his footsteps.

Hewkii: You'd think so with that name.

Mike: And that infamous box.

Vectorman: He's a worse dad than Wolverine's creator

Hewkii: Sawyer's gonna get claws.

(... / imagined a full scale research compound where scientists and free-thinkers around the...)

Vectorman: There are actually slaves to thought?

Mike: I guess.

(... g- / globe could study in the fields of Meterology, Psycology, Para-Psycology, Zoology,...)

Vectorman: I guess there's polar bears around.

Hewkii: And I thought that kid conjured it on his own.

Mike: There goes my theory.

(...Electromagnitism, and Utopian socia- /...)

Vectorman: Ooh! another cut!

Mike: Social what? Socialism?

Hewkii: Are they with the Commies?

Mike: It says ©1980

Vectorman: laughs True.

(.../ Alvar Handsome whose contributions-)

Mike: Let's skip ahead.

Hewkii: Ok.

Vectorman: Sure.

(-Station 3 was originally a research station, where people could examine the strange electromagnativity emanating from this section of the island...)

Vectorman: And Jimmy just happened to bring all the floppies with him.

(...Not long after the expirements began however, there was... an incident...)

Vectorman: Grandpa forgot to wear his Goodnights and slept on the egyptian bird clock.

(...and since then, the following protical has been observed...)

Hewkii: Every 108 minuets...

(...Every 108 minuets...)

Hewkii: Hah! Pay up.

Vectorman: How come Lost is so redundant...

Mike: Redundancy is bliss...

Hewkii: Tell someone who cares.

Mike: Cares!? You won.

Hewkii: No skin on my back.

(...the button must be pushed...)

Vectorman: Do whatever you can; tease me, poke me, make fun of my limp arm.

(...From the moment the alarm sounds, you'll have 5 minuets...)

Hewkii: 3 sir.

(...to enter any object you wish...)

Hewkii: Hey, that's different.

Vectorman: Yeah, what does that mean, Mike?

Mike: I'll explain later.

Hewkii: Ok,

Vectorman: Sure.

(.../ -ducion to the program. And do not use the computer for anyth- /-)

Mike: Other than worshiping it

(Congratulations, until your replacements arrive...)

Mike, Hewkii, & Vectorman: Replacements?!

(...the future of the project is in your hands...)

Vectorman: Don't drop it.

(...On behaf of the DeBoots, Alvar Handsome, and all of us at the Parma Initative thank you, Namaste, and... good luck)

Hewkii: The Parma Inititive failed...

Vectorman: Will you carry me out?

Mike: No.

Vectorman: Awwww man!

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... Clunk

Hewkii: Well,that was fun.

Mike: Yeah, I haven't done that in a long time

Vectorman: When was the last time?

Mike: Just last week.

Hewkii: So, are you gonna explain that whole change?

Mike: Huh? Oh! yeah. come on in

They go into the computer room. they occult step aside as Mike sits down. The timer starts counting down.

Mike: Ok. So, this computer taps into an unknown source that can materialize anything you tipe in. So, I'll just type in "bowl of pudding"-

Hewkii: PUDDING!!!

Mike: ...and press enter.

Mike presses enter as the timer resets itself. A rasberry can be heard as a bowl of pudding materializes in midair and starts to fall to the ground.

Hewkii(slow motion): PUUUUUUUUDDIIIIIINGGGG

crash!

Hewkii: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Mike(Hewkii in background: nononononononono!!!): Does he always do that?

Vectorman: Only when he lost something he knows he can't eat

Hewkii(sacred toa look of sheer anger and frustration): Oh yeah...

Vectorman: Yeah.

Hewkii: All I wanted was pudding, pudding to Eat!

Vectorman: Well, I wish I had a Jar of Almonds, but you don't see me compla-

Occult Members: gasp! He spoke the sacred words!

Vectorman: ...ining. Crap.


	6. Chapter 6 Mirror, Mirror

**Toa Hewkii: Part 6**

Master Chaos looked onward at the strange bizaire universe presented before him. He saw how satirical and utterly stupid these small creatures, these small, insignificant worms were

"I must be insane," he uttered to himself followed by a brief chuckle. Ironic to him because he really was.

"And now," said Chaos stairing intently at the supposed 4th wall "Get out of my Realm!!! And stop doing a poor narration while your at it!!!"

* * *

Ok! Ok! Jeez, I was only practicing novelist style. (Chaos: Well don't!) I thought I could pull of unknownalias' style but it looks like I need more time. Oh well. By the way, look out for his sequel, k? Back to Toa Hewkii.

* * *

Vectorman: Ok. What have I just done.

Occult member: He's spoken the sacred words! He is the chosen one!

Occult Members (Chanting): Chosen one, chosen one, chosen one, chosen one, chosen one, chosen one, chosen one...

Vectorman: Uh... (chosen one) guys... (chosen one) help here. (chosen one)

Mike: What? You're the first one they like. Roll with it

Hewkii: Yeah, maybe they'll offer you up as a sacrifice

Vectorman: That doesn't help Hewkii.

Hewkii: laughs I know. I just want you to panic.

Vectorman: Gee thanks.

Hewkii: No prob.

Occult member: Silence! (points to Vectorman) You know why you're here.

Vectorman: Actually I don't. I have little to no clue what your talking about.

Other Occult member: What was the words you said?

Vectorman: What? "I have little to no clu-"

Other Occult member: Uh, no. before that. When we started our divine chants to you.

Hewkii: What? Jar of Almon-

Occult members: Gasp! The sacred words!

Hewkii: Cool! I'm a choosen one too!!!!

Vectorman: Why did you do that again?

Hewkii: Be-CUUZ I wana share the worship

Vectorman looks down and sees the Occult worshiping them.

Vectorman: Tell you what, I'll share the worship with you only if you never say "because" like that again.

Hewkii: Deal!! Yessss!

Vectorman: Ok, now to the bigger fish (Hewkii: I'm Big!) quickly No you're not. clapps hands together So, what does the "choosen one" do?

Occult member: You must retrive the mirror!

Other Occult member 2: Retrive the mirror so the sacred and most holy computer can reach nirvana.

Vectorman: Mirror? What Mirror?

Hewkii: Oh! I know! Maybe the mirror is making the Computer self conscience, and makes it feel sad that the other computer's are thin at their age.

Mike: Uh, no thats wrong. The mirror is called "The Mirror of Isrehld," and makes the things like the pudding that you saw earlier.

Hewkii: sniff Poor pudding.

Vectorman: How does it work?

Mike: The Mirror of Isrehld was used as a weapon in ancient times because of it's ability to counter anything thrown at it.

Vectorman: How so?

Mike: Like, if you threw a punch at it, you'd get the force of the blow in your face.

Vectorman: Ok, ok. Then how'd it end up copying everything we type in here?

Hewkii: Man, what exposition-

Vectorman: Hewkii, shut up; Mike, explain.

Mike: Well, the rage of the mirror lasted through the ages; like, to the Middle Ages. Then, the most intelligent minds of the time came up with a solution. They threw a duck at it.

Hewkii: But, how could a duck stop it.

Vectorman (starring, then snapping out): Hewkii's right. There's too much exposition.

Mike: Want me to stop.

Vectorman: For the reader's sake, and that for the rest of this fanfic (looking at Koran) Chaos was right. You impede waay too much. Mike, answer.

Mike: I can be more than a vessel for the advancement of the plot you know. Anyway, it was a hypothetical duck. As it could not through a hypothetical duck it shorted, causing many unexplained occurinces throughout history such as Pompei, the New York Blackout, the Chicago Fire, simultaniously putting a primitive caveman and aquatic dinosaur in Nepal and Loch Ness respectively, and the reelection of U.S. president Bill Clinton.

Hewkii: Finally, an explanation!

Vectorman: Wait, you did you know all this.

Mike: I typed in for an explanation once.

Vectorman: Oh yeah... duh!... that makes sence.

Hewkii: You're at a loss for words, huh?

Vectorman: Uh, no. I was gonna ask the nutjobs over there (Occult is smiling and waving hands) what this "Quest" intails.

Occult: You must answer the sacred quiz!!

Vectorman: Huh?

Occult Member: Let us begin (lights aim down as the music starts to play. Other occult members do vocals.) What party member did you wanna take on your quest? Is it:

A. Tinkie Winkie

B. Richard Nixon

C. Titanic: Director's Cut

D. The Projected Plot for the Second Season of Galidor or

E. A Jar of Almonds

Hewkii: Go for the Almonds!!! Go for the Almonds

Occult member: Is that your final answer?

Vectorman: I dunno, I kinda want to find out about Galid-

Hewkii (pushes Vectorman into ground): Yes!!! Yes it is!!!!!

Occult member: Well then... Your answer is Right!!!!! Here! (hands Jar of Almonds to Hewkii)

Hewkii: Yayy!! (huggs Jar)

Jar of Almonds(Thoughts): Oh, this will be fun.

Vectorman: Umm, ok. So, where is the mirror.

Occult: It is frozen in the Sacred Ice.

(Look to Mike.)

Mike: The frozen foods.

Hewkii: Gasp! Not the frozen food!

Vectorman: Gasp! Wait, why are we gasping

Hewkii(grasping him): Are you blind!!! The Frozen Food Aisle is the most dasterdly and mind-numbingly cold plaze in the entire universe! I froze several inches off myself as a matoran when Onewa took us there for shopping.

Vectorman: Ok... so what?

Hewkii: What? WHAT!? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, IT'S FREEZING COOOOLD.

Vectorman: So what?

Occult: It was so cold, even Koran feezed his butt off there as a kid... and he was fat. Hey!

Vectorman: Ok, TMI!

Occult(rather annoyed): Just go.

(presses button and large boot comes out of nowhere and "boots" them out. they ricochet of the walls and out ofthe hatch and back to the lost aisle.)

Vectorman: Well, glad that's over.

Hewkii: I got the jar!

Vectorman: Whoop dee do. Let's get outta here

(Walk out doors of Lost Aisle.)

Vectorman: Let's just leave so we can get on with our lives.

Hewkii: I, uh, don't think we can.

Vectorman: Hewkii, we are not going on this quest.

Hewkii: Not that; look.

Vectorman: What? (looks down) Oh.

(sees the whole clearence section is a 100 ft deep pit. Some kind of music plays.)

Chain-smoking announcer: What will become of Hewkii and Vectorman? (both get pushed in by Jar of Almonds. He laughs and then gets pulled in by Hewkii) How will they persevere? Find out in the next exciting episode of Hewkii Ball Z!


	7. Chapter 7 What if? Thor was in FF?

Hey Guys, Time for another addition of Toa Hewkii. I hope you are ready to meet another shinning face to join the band of idiots. Let's just say he's one of the only original characters I've put in here (The idea is somewhat inspired, but the combination is a little different). With that said, let me announce that I am going to participate with unknownalias in a crossover with his stories (end result from our collaboration: the fruits of comedy in the barren tree of parody). I hope you look forward to it. Now back to Hewkii

* * *

**Toa Hewkii: Part 7**

Rediculously-Fast Voice: Last time on Hewkii Ball Z, Freeza and Cell joined forces to put a stop to Hewkii and his Z squad.

Hewkii (still falling): Oh, hey guys wanna do a Bar-B-Q?

Vectorman: Please, Koran, don't incourage him. diddidi! we need help!" oh gad!

Hewkii: We need to go somewhere that's completely desolate, and a jillion miles wide, and would never take place in real life at all!

Jar of Almonds: Well, it's right over there!

Crash!

Hewkii: We'll, we're here!

Vectorman: Ok, where's here?

Hewkii: Well!... I... Uh... I.. don't.. no.

Vectorman: Great. If I die in here it'll be your fault.

Hewkii: Hey, where's Jar of Almonds?

Jar of Almonds(talking to evil villains): Today, we kill Vectorman and Hewkii!!

Villians: Yarrr!!!

Hewkii: Get over here you!

JoA: Yipe!

Villans: Awwwww!

Vectorman: We need to find out where we are.

Voice: You're in the Bargain Bin

Hewkii: Huh?

Voice: You're in the Bargain Bin

Hewkii: Whose there? Oh.. My.. Gosh!! Is that Toa Lhikan?

Vectorman: Uh Hewkii, look down.

Hewkii: OMG!!! Lhikan! Why is their no toy of you in Turaga Form?

Vectorman: Wow,that's the first Bionicle reference in a while...

Hewkii: Lhikan!!!! Where are you!!!

Vectorman: For gosh sakes, Hewkii! Look down!!

Hewkii: Huh? (Looks down; sees a Black Mage in norse armor.) Oh, hello there, who are you?

Mage: Name's Norse Mage. Looks like you three need help.

Hewkii: Egad! How did you know?

Norse Mage: I saw you guys the whole time.

Vectorman: I dunno Hewkii, I don't think we can trust him.

Hewkii: Aww, come on, Vec. (Picks him up and shoves in Vectorman's face) Look at 'im.

Norse Mage (booboo eyes.): pleeeeezzz??

Vectorman: Ok then, since you want to be in our group so bad, what abilities do you have?

Hewkii: Ok boy, show him!

Norse Mage: ruff!! (stands up, raises hands) (grumbling)

Vectorman: What the Vec is going on?

Hewkii: Tee hee! you said 'Vec' again.

Vectorman: Hey, you said it earlier-

Norse Mage (arm raised, ear on ground): Shhhh!

Hewkii & Vectorman: (exchange looks)

Norse Mage: Azurill.. Metranome.. MENTOS!!!!

Hewkii & Vectorman?, (rumbling) !

Hewkii: Runnnnnnn!!!!!! (both slam into wall)

(rumbling stops as Hewkii and Vectorman look on.)

Hewkii: Terra-birds!!!

Norse Mage: Uh, no. They're chocoboco.

Hewkii: (pushes Vectorman into ground) Coool!!!!

Chocoboco 1: Wana ride us.

Chocoboco 2: There's 3 of us.

Chocoboco 3: We even have a souchel for Jar of Almonds.

JoA: I love you guys. HE'S IN!!!!!!!

Hewkii & Norse Mage(jumping & hugging): Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!

Vectorman(coming out of ground, spitting out dust): Alright, whatever. Let's just get on.

(they do.)

Hewkii: So, Norse Mage?

Norse Mage: Yes?

Hewkii: Why is it called the Bargain Bin?

Norse Mage: It's where all the junk WalMart wants to get rid of.

Hewkii: Ok, like that incriminating evidence about underpaying workers and not providing health care. Oh! or that contract showing WalMart's involvement with Janet Jackson's accidentally-on-purpose wardrobe malfunction.

Norse Mage: Yeah, or all of the various toys that did not make it as well as all of the action figure villains.

Vectorman: Is that why it's so dangerous?

Norse Mage: Yeah, that's why.

Hewkii: I dunno, he has a point.

Vectorman: He? Who's he?

Hewkii: Oh just him.

NM & Vectorman: Huh?

Evil Voice: Hahahaha! (steps into light, using a voice changer left over from Halloween) You think you can stop Me??!?!

(creature looks like he's made from DBZ parts. He has the body of King Cold, the arms of Super Buu, the legs of Mecha Freeza, the wings of Cell, the Power Level Indicator of Vegeta, and the Head of Bebi)

Norse Mage: Crap! He's a Hodgepodge.

Vectorman: Hodgepodge?

Norse Mage: Yeah, a being formed from unwanted toy parts that weren't already shoplifted.

Evil Creature: Yes, and you will all face the wrath of... Beabea (pronounced bæ- bæ)

(All four exchange looks. They all burst out laughing)

Beabea: What?! Why are you laughing?! (they ride off; still laughing) I'll have my revenge you here? I'll have my revenge!?! (he looks over and sees 3 androids laughing. He blows a hole in the head of one and eats the other two. While eating:) I'm just to oversensitive that's all. I just gotta get together, that's all. But I'll still kill them though.

Vectorman: Well, that was close. I hope we never have to worry about that anymore.

Hewkii: Well, there you go. I just hope we don't see a cross between both Picalos, Kami, Garlic Jr., Lord Slugg, Elder Namak, Namie, and Mr. Popo.

Unfortunate Hodgepodge: (slunks) Oh well...

(they travel for a while. finally they reach the end.)

Norse Mage: Ok, here we are.

(awkward pause)

Norse Mage: Well, see ya-

Vectorman: Get back here! (grabs him)

NM: Yipe!

Hewkii: Aren't you gonna help us get up there?

NM:... Nope.

Vectorman: Ok then. Hewkii! initiate maneuver: Ice Climber! (tosses him Norse Mage.)

Hewkii: Okey Dokey! (catches NM & shoves Ax down his shirt)

Norse Mage: Hey, can't we talk this over?

Vectorman: hmmmmmm... nope. FIRE AT WILL MR. HEWKII!!!!!!!

Hewkii: Aye, Kapp'n! (Throws NM, attached to chain)

NM: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Hewkii: (Grabbing Vectorman & yanking JoA out of the souchel) Going up.

JoA: No! My souchel!!!

Hewkii: Ok. Ok. We'll take it too. (grabs souchel)

(the shortness of the chain yanks the three up. NM lands in tile, teeth embedded in the ground.)

NM: ooth.

Hewkii, Vectorman, & JoA: Cowabunga! Turtles Ruuuule!!!! (land on top of him)

Hewkii: Wiiiiiiii!! Do it again!! Do it again!! Do it again!!

Vectorman: One sec, where are we?

Hewkii: Just outside the ridiculously-low-priced generic prescription medicine at-the-price-of-all-of-the-workers-so-they-get-even-lower-wages-&-health-care-if-at-all, aisle.

Vectorman: No hyphen in healthcare by the way.

Hewkii: Oh, ok.

JoA: Shall we then?

(Hewkii & Vectorman exchange glances.)

NM: Waaaaa- thth!!

Hewkii, Vectorman, & JoA: Wiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!

Well, it looks like Hewkii and Comp. have gotten a good start. But what lies in store for them?

Hewkii: Good question. (slams into sign) Flangg!!! Ow! (Falls into magazines) Uh, where are we?

Chain-smoking Announcer: Welcome, to my domain!!!!


	8. Chapter 8 Vouce Not Peun Miughteur

Hi ya'al. Everyone's favorite man in toa's armor here. I hope you are ready for a new chapter, and Valentine's Day (Skip those who find it _"offensive"_: grow a spine!) I'm not, cause I am a pathetic looser who's girlfriend broke up with me on my first day of summer last year; and she was the _only_ girl I had ever known well, or even was a turbo geek like me for that matter. I know it's ackward after saying that, but _please_ write reviews!!! I only have one reader acknowledge me as me having readers besides the stats (pleez still read, Ketsu-Dan!!!!). With all that said, Let it Begin:

(PS: read unkownalias' stories too; collaboration shortly.)

* * *

**Toa Hewkii: Part 8**

Modified: January 17, 2007

Chain Smoking Announcer: In a world corrupted by oddball characters

NM: huh?

Vectorman: Uh, what's going on?

CSA: ...And low prices.

(shot of a burning Walmart in hell; it's obvious origin.)

CSA: A bizaire quest is underway, to retrive the Mirror of Isrehld

(shot of the mirror in the sacred ice)

CSA: Only one biomechanical numskull can find it... and save the world.

(shot of Hewkii standing on the horizon of a Walmart, mirror in hand.)

CSA: TOA HEWKII!!!!!

Hewkii: Um, ok. It seems I am glued to this tile. Yup, I definatly am. Uhhhh, any help?

(Words planted on black background "Coming Now!")

Hewkii(walking accross screen; chunks of tile stuck on feet): Good thing there was a jackhamma offscreen or I'd never would've had a chance.

(everything reverts to normal, they are still in their magazine rack prison)

Norse Mage: Ok, what was that?

Vectorman: That would be our captor.

Jar of Almonds: Oh, I could take him. You'll notice he didn't put me in that 70 billion dollar trailer you guys were just in.

NM: Wait, how did Koran pay for it?

(sounds bbv of Koran hbb whacking head yhu against keyboard hb)

Hewkii: Are we canceled?

CSA: NO, YOU ARE NOT!

Hewkii: Holy CraP! It's Lhikan again!

Vectorman: Hewkii, last time it was Norse Ma-

Hewkii: Lhikan, don't tell me you are in that pseudo-room of hope what-cha-ma-boob, cuz I'm not following for that again. Sheish! (turns to others) that silly Mask 'o Life ain't gonna trick me again. I already know that Makuta ain't dead.

Vectorman: You realize you've just alienated all those Bionicle noobs that just buy the toys and aren't reading the books nor in the community.

Hewkii: Dude, I did that from square one.

CSA: ENOUGH!!! YOU! IN THE YELLOW!!!

Hewkii: Well, exuuuuse me princess, but I'm orangish-peach... or maybe... if someone barfed up and called that a colour-

CSA: SHUT UP!!!!!

Hewkii: Oh yeah?

CSA: YEAH!!!! AND I'LL DO THIS TOO!!!

(NM is popped onto some kind of shadoey stool, while cheapy, windows-made transitions and effects fly by)

CSA: No you're imbicles, NO you're imbicles, no YOU'RE imbicles.

NM: Uh, what's going on?

CSA: Norse Mage, He afraid of another Chained Ax down his shirt

NM: No I'm not.

CSA: Yes you are.

NM: Uh, no. No I am not.

CSA: Well then let's see then.

NM: Um, heh heh, that's not nessesary.

CSA: Yes it is.

NM: Let's not get drastic here, heh heh. (Ax w/ chain can be seen shoved down his shirt) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! CHAIN-ED AX!!!! CHAIN-ED AXE!!!!!!

Axonn: Hey, not that kind of "ax"

NM: NOT NOW WHOEVER YOU ARE! I HAVE A CHAIN-ED AX DOWN MY SHIRT!!!!!!!!

(Suddenly, the ax is gone. CSA laughs while everything reverts to normal)

NM: Feiw! I never want that EVER again or I'll die!

JoA(scribbling in souchel's included notepad): ok, Norse Mage die... at hands of another chain-ed ax... down shiiirt. Ok, got it!

CSA: Now, YOU'RE NEXT, HEWKII!!!!

Hewkii: Yayyyyy!!!!

Vectorman: Hewkii, that's bad.

Hewkii: Oh... Yayyyyy!!!! poof!

Hewkii(same place as NM before): Oooo! Poor Windows-made effects!

CSA: Hewkii, hEwkii, hUki...

Hewkii: Yes, Yes, Not my name anymore...

CSA: Huki, is afraid of water

Hewkii: Gasp!!! you no all about me!!! ...at least except my name... (pipsqeak, young not-funny girl comes out on stage)

Not-Funny Girl: I could show you how to beat him.

Hewkii(turning to face her, crazed look in his eye; evil and hissing): Yoou... You... are... NOT THE FUNNIEST KID IN AMERICA! (whacking her with blunt side of ax) NOT THE FUNNIEST KID IN AMERICA! THE WHOLE THING WAS RIGGED! THE SHOW WAS STUPID ENOUGH AS IT WAS AND YOOU MADE IT WORSE!!!!

Not-Funny Girl: Ok! Ok! I know! I know I'm not funny! I'm the worst shame second only to Jamie Spears and her stupid spin-off show!!

Hewkii: NOT THE FUNNIEST KID IN AMERICA!!! YOU ARE NOT THE FUNNIEST KID I AMERICA!!!! That award goes to good ol' Anna Banana.

(Not-Funny Girl is dazed and brought off stage. Hewkii now turns to CSA.)

Hewkii: And now you! You will now be forced to face the most clear and brilliant mind in the universe! (Starts making several different signs, logos, and pictures w/ hands.)

CSA: What are you doing now?

Hewkii(makes a few more signs and lands on the sign of a boxcar): HOBO SUMMONING JUITSU!!!!!

(Rumbling can be heard. CSA is a little nervous now.)

Bob the Hobo(walking onstage; eating sandwich): Ok, this better be good. I came from the Dupont Krogger parking lot for this. A load of subs were ordered.

Hewkii: Oh mister Hobo of miraculous wisdom, can you help me stop this strange voice that's terrorizing me?

Bob the Hobo: Ok, let's see... Did you through a wrench at it?

Hewkii: Uh, no. He's kinda hard to see.

Bob the Hobo: Well, that worked when that P.A. voiceamajigie told me to get out of the Home Depot. Hmmm... Oh, here's an idea. Can you get me a sandwich?

Hewkii: Uh, ok. Here. (Gives Bob the Hobo a sandwich. He eats now both sandwiches.) Uh, so... is that supposed to help me?

Bob the Hobo: Eh? Oh. No. I just wanted another one. Ok, see ya. (Walks off. Hewkii is now left alone with the CSA.)

Hewkii: Ok... wow... this is ackward.

CSA: ETERNAL JUDGEMENT!!!

Hewkii: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(He runs off stage. World once again reverts to normal.)

Vectorman: ...Ok. This is weird.

CSA: NOT AS WEIRD AS YOU'LL BE ONCE I'M A THRU W/ U!!!

Vectorman: Crap.

Pop!

CSA: Vectorman, he is insecue about his fanbase.

Vectorman: Uh, yeah, I know. Everyone knows.

CSA: No they don't.

Vectorman: Yes they do.

CSA: No they don't, AND YOU SIR ARE GOING DOWN!!!

Pop!

(Vectorman is deposited in a white screen.)

Vectorman: Uhhhhhhhh...

Zeeky H. Bomb: Zeeky boogy doog

Vectorman: Wha?-

Explosion!!

(Hewkii, NM, & JoA look as Vectorman falls from the 'bove.)

Vectorman: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oumph!

Hewkii: Wake up Sleeping Beauty

NM(Dessed as Malificent): Fall. Faaaaallll!! Sleep forever!!!

JoA: You are nothing. I AM SUPERIOR!!!!

(NM, Hewkii & Vectorman look at him strangely.)

CSA: AND YOU!!!!!!! YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!!

Pop!

(JoA is put in the same predicament as before.)

CSA: Jar of Almonds, he-... he-... Wha?- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(CSA explodes and shrivles out of existance. The Rumble Pack vibrates several times. Doors of prison open.)

Hewkii, NM, & Vectorman: (pause) Cool!!

Hewkii: How'd ya do that?!?

NM: Yes. How did you do it, Charles?

JoA: Do you think a mere voice can decipher the enigma of a talking Jar?

Hewkii: of Almonds!

Vectorman: Yes, yes, of Almonds. Let's just go.

Hewkii: Yeah, and I gots the transportation. (Hewkii is on a tobogan.)

NM(As Huskey Dog): pant,pant,pant

Vectorman: Ok, whatever. (picks up souchel w/ JoA inside; JoA: Yaaaaay!!!) Let's just go.


	9. Chapter 9 Kentucky Fryon Chicken

Hello, all! I'm back from a several month hiatis to deliver chapters at breakneck speed! I will be releasing two chapters today and another 3 this week (all to make my deadline with Alias; Happy 1 year dude!) Well, here's it is!

* * *

**Toa Hewkii: Part 9**

The Share Bears™

TenderLung: Hi, you! Welcome to our Magical Display of Wonder!© I'm here with HugsaLot and his trophy wife, uh... PuggsaLot, yeah Puggsalot.

Hugsalot: Yeah, so where's that money ya owe me.

TenderLung: Uhhh, heh heh... What money?

HugsaLot: Yeah, you owe me twenty-seven bucks to put us out in this dump

PuggsaLot: Yeah, and I wanna pony.

HugsaLot: And you'll get one after he pays me.

TenderLung: Well, you'll get the money. Sharebears™ are coming back!

HugsaLot: Uh, huh. With those stupid gimmicks.

TenderLung: What's your point, bub?

HugsaLot: I'm saying you don't get me the money, you'll be IronLung instead of that last wound I gave you!

TenderLung: Uh, heh heh.

THOOOOM!

(Hewkii's toboggan zooms by, destroying the display in the process.)

Lawyer Friend-turn speaker announcer: Tsscrk Clean up at front door. Put 'em in the Bargain Bin.

TenderLung: Nooooooooooooo!!!!!! I'll have my revenge!!! I'll have my- ulp!

HugsaLot: Next time, pay up front!! (gives "Love Hurts Hug©")

Vectorman: Uh, what the crap was that?

Hewkii: It was the sound of discovery! Whoa, Boy!

Norse Mage: phuyyph Whieney

Vectorman: What is that?

Hewkii: We're in the "Fresh" produce Aisle.

Vectorman: "Fresh"?

Hewkii: Yeah, "Freask"

Vectorman: Ok, what does it mean?

Hewkii: That.

(Vectorman looks over and sees the entire produce section in one, big musical number...)

DumDumDumDumDUUUM...

We're food at the round table

We're served when where able

We jump and scream when we do sing

with footwork impossibable

You'll dine well here in Wal-Mart

You'll see John, Jim, and Paul-a-lart

DumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDuuuuum

Dum (Nut tap-dancing) DumDumDum (meat banging on pans) DumDumDumDum

By far were enough and able

Quite re-ally-ed-i-babel

Between our feasts

we seem to pleast

Your housewives and their killers.

It's a big good time in Wal-Mart

Broccoli: Don't eat me or you will fart

DumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDumDuuuuum!!!!!

Vectorman: On second thought, let's not go to the produce section. 'Tis a silly place

Hewkii, NM, & JoA: Right.

Voice: No! Stay!

Hewkii: Huh? Oh.. my.. gosh..

Banana: It's Peanut Butter Jelly!! Peanut Butter Jelly!! Peanut Butter Jelly!! Peanut Butter Jelly!! Do the Peanut Butter Jelly!! Peanut Butter Jelly!! Peanut Butter Jelly w/ a Baseball Bat!! Wham! Peanut Butter Jelly!! Peanut Butter Jelly!! Peanut Butter Jelly w/ a Baseball Bat!! Wham!

(Soon, all are knocked out. JoA is spared.)

Shadowy Figure(W/ JoA): You may be some use to us. (Picks him up.)

-Later-

Hewkii: Yawn snaps lips hmmm... What a nice nap. I needz to do that more- Gasp!!! Metal Guy!! Sidekick!!! Were dangling over a boiling pot of Olive Oil!!!!

Vectorman: Uh, yeah. We've been this way for like 4 hours. We've been waiting for you to get up.

NM: Yeah, and I'm not a Sidekick. I'm a Side-Kick - ER. I am so totally Onion Petals (Koran is salivating in this thought; very hungry in 7th period) Well shut up! You won't get one piece of me (whispers to Hewkii) I gots Onion Ring Sauce in my hat. Splat! Dude! stop drooling!!!!!

Voice: Silence!!!!!!

Hewkii: Gasp!

Vectorman: Stop that!

Hewkii: Ok, Gasp! It's the Dark Lord Fryon, Lord of the Onion Rings!

Fryon: Yes, and I crave the power of the ultimate- Splatter heah,huah heah,huah Oh good lord man, get something to eat! Can't! What? Why? Are you typing in class again? ...maybe... Man, just... Just stop. Ok? k.

Intermission

Fryon: Ok, did you get a good breakfast? yes. Ur not hungry? no. U typing in class? ... U are? .::Nodds::. Sigh It'll have to do.

NM: ...Annd I got batter in my shoe.

Fryon: SILENCE!!!!

Hewkii(taking a nap; still upside down over vat): ...zzzzzsnort... how come all the people we meet say tha-

Fryon: QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now on to my FEINDISH Plo- what!

(Hewkii, Vectorman, NM & JoA are all free from their prison. Fryon is baffled.)

Fryon: Bu- But how did you escape?

Hewkii(Zoolander Voice): Silly warlord, Tricks are for Cids

(Fryon looks on and sees every Cid waving. Next thing he knows he is being deep-fried in Olive Oil.)

Fryon(thoughts): Why? Why am I now being deep fried in Olive Oil? I mean my plan was only to-

Hewkii: Well, I guess we settled that, well did we.

Vectorman: Uh, I guess.

Hewkii: Uh huh. And we can thank Koran for getting board writing this chapter.

Vectorman: Ok, whatever, let's just go.

Hewkii: You heard him boy! Mush!!

NM: Bark! Bark!


	10. Chapter 10 Spock?

Here's the other chapter with a _**new character**_!!!!. Strange, I'd hope more celebration for:

* * *

**Toa Hewkii: Part 10**

_Toa Hewkii Tenth Chapterversary!!! In 24 great smelling colors- **phhppi**_**p!**

Vectorman: Yeah right. We're stuck out here IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLIZZARD!!!!!!!!

Hewkii: Oh yeah? Well I'm the king OF THE NORTH POLE!!!!!!!!

Vectorman: Please not another Hobo Summoning Juitsu.

Hewkii: Heck yeah!

Norse Mage: Ooh! ooh! Lemme try!

Hewkii: Ok.

Vectorman: (buries head) Oh no. Not two Hobos

(Hewkii starts making symbols; NM, different ones.)

Hewkii: Hobo Summoning Juitsu!!!!

NM: Star Trek Summoning Juitsu!!!

Vectorman & Hewkii(Staring, Half-Crazed): What?!!?!

(Two rublings can be heard. Bob the Hobo appears and plants fire-barrel in ground. William Shatner comes on and sits by the fire.)

Vectorman: William Shatner!!?!

Shatner: Yes- I- am- here for- the- apparent- con- vention- that- you- summ- oned- me- here- for-

Vectorman: Uh, there's no convention here.

Shatner: Oh- KHANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NM: Ooh!! I just love it when he says that!

Vectorman & Hewkii!!

NM: What?

Vectorman: You've summoned him before?!

NM: Well Duh! Some Star Trek geek taught me when I was at Iacon.

Vectorman: (Babbling) ...I don't even want to talk about your personal life.

NM: Well don't. It's very personal.

Vectorman: Ok, whatever. Hewkii, ask your friends over there-

Hewkii: Friend.

Vectorman: Ok, whatever. Just ask your friend (Bob the Hobo puts down his baked beans and digs in the snow and pulls out a Snow Cat) to get some transporta-...-tion

Bob the Hobo: Well, I need to get back to my spot by the BP to get money for fireworks, makes a great fire. (puts on "Money for Fireworks" card. Turns to Shatner.) Want beans?

Shatner: Uh- no- It- is- not- Kosher-

Bob(Shrugs): Oh well (Walks off. The Fellowship of the Stupid + Shatner all stand there.)

Hewkii: ...Let's get in the Snow Ca-

Shatner: Yes- let- us- all- get- in- the- snow- cat-

(They do. Hewkii stands out in the blizzard.)

Hewkii: By Jove he stole my line!

Vectorman: Hewkii, Come On!!

Hewkii: (sulking) Coming...

(Hewkii gets in. The Snow Cat comes on automatically.)

Snow Cat: Hey guys! Want me to take you to your destination?

Hewkii: Wow!-

Shatner: Oh- my- gosh- a- talk- ing- ve- ich- cle-

Hewkii: (mumbling) Not again...

Snow Cat: Of course I can talk! I'm-

(Snow Cat shifts to a robot.)

Theme: A Transformer.

More Than Meets the Eye.

Vectorman: How are you both a Transformer and a G.I. Joe Vehicle?

Snow Cat: Well, my dad was Cyclonus, and my mother was a Snow Cat.

NM: How'd that-

Shatner: How'd- that- hap- pen- (Look of accomplishment o his face; look of Idol hate in NM)

Snow Cat: Well, it's a funny story

Alpha Q(Dressed in Yenta Drag): Oh, yes, here's a toaster from the planet of Kraxx. Nice detail, nice wife.

Cyclonus: I dunno. I heard she can't swim.

Alpha Q: Nonsense hyoung sir, (Tosses toaster into fish tank) As you can see- (toaster fries the last specimens of the rare Jade Tigerfish into fishstick) Ok... hynext wife. Beautiful G.I. Joe Snow Cat, liberated from Showroom. Exellent, exiling wife.

Cyclonus: I'll take her.

Alpha Q: Exellent! (Hoists up "Borrowed" Maximal protoform, head switches from yenta head to Bill Barker) Ok, you got your Model, you got your spark. Let the bizarre process commence!!!

(Maximal protoform scans Snow Cat and a fembot emerges; Cyclonus is confused)

Cyclonus: Wait, why is she a Maximal?

(Catgirl eyes Alpha Q suspiciously. Alpha then gets a peku hamma and switches to t.o.'d head)

Alpha Q: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH!!!!

(Alpha Q starts whacking Cyclonus into pulp. Catgirl gives birth by budding.)

Alpha Q: Terrorcons!! snap Go get this mutton a new body. Snow Cat preferred. Now, You! (Points to Catgirl) STASIS!! (she is put into stasis) You!! Foster Parents!!!

Snow Cat: ...So I got stuck with Robbie the Robot and T-X as parents till I went back to my roots and settled here. Ah, good ol' Uncle Q. (Looks and sees that everyone in his cab are either bored or grossed out of their mind. NM Brain flaps around violently.) Uh guys, I'm done. (All return to normal) So, where to?

Toa Hewkii: Part 10.5

Modified: February 28, 2007

Hewkii: (Tries to speak but on Shaner's request I am forced to give him the line)

Shatner: We- are- search- ing- for- the- Mirror- of- Is- rehld-

Snow Cat: Ah! so that's why there's so much interference. Ok, here we go!

(Snow Cat takes off. Hewkii & Vectorman start a chat)

Shatner: Dangit! Shatner wrote himself in! I- heard- that-. So- Hu- ki-

Hewkii (Mumbling) ...Not my name anymore...

Shatner: What- do- you- think- of- your- hand- some- Capitan?

Hewkii: Ok. I thought I could tolerate until we got there; but... I CAN'T AKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! Get 'im tiger!!

(Hewkii throws Shatner...)

Hewkii: I know your toupee is fake. You're not fooling anyone!

(...And Something else..)

DoingDoing: HoingaDoingDoingDoingDoingDoingDoing

Whomp


	11. Chapter 11 It is the year 2007

**Koran Time: **_Hi, all!!! Well, I took a looong Summer Break and now I'm back! I have the story written and all I have to do is finish posting. So, here we go!!!  
_

* * *

**Toa Hewkii: Part 11**

It is the year 2007 the treacherous Deceptions have conquered the home snow fort. But from secret staging grounds two snow mounds, he valiant Autobots prepare to take back their fort.

Optimus Prime: Ironhide, report to me at once.

Ironhide: Everytime I look into he monitor, Prime, it's the same old junk. How come it's made out of snow?

Prime: ...Listen Ironhide, I want you to make a special run to the Snow Repository down there.

Ironhide: But Prime, can't you go get it.

Prime: No. 'Cause I got to stay here until I get the call to die.

Ironhide: ...ok. You know the script by heart, don't you?

Prime: Yes, but I took some liberties.

Ironhide: Uh huh...

(A rumbling sound can be heard in the distance.)

Jazz: What's that?

Prime: I don't know Prowl...

(Prowl, knelling on ground)

Prowl: Pluuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezz don't let me die!

vvvvvvvrrrommmph!!!

(Snow Cat crashes into Optimus, destroying the base in the process.)

Hewkii: Yes! we're here!

Vectorman: Uh, I don't feel good. How fast were we going?

Snow Cat: About 200,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Yen Per Hour (Y.P.H.)

Hewkii: Oh, so 0.1 miles per hour?

Snow Cat: You got it.

Hewkii: Ok, let's get the mirror-

Optimus: You Idiot! You destroyed our one shot to destroy the Destrons!

Vectorman: Destrons?

Snow Cat: Well, it's the Japanese name for both Decepticons and Predicons.

Hewkii: Shut up! Predicons are a combiner group!

Snow Cat: Okey Dokey!

Vectorman: Wait, where's Jar of Almonds and Norse Mage?

Hewkii: Oh, that's easy. They're rattling the Destron's cage.

Prime: WHAT!!?!

(NM is in the cage and looks like a melon headed baby who's imagining being the REAL 5th ninja turtle. With JoA as his rather cross bottle, he is inide the cage as though in a playpen.)

Hewkii: Norse Mage! The New Mutation was part of continuity!

NM(slowing down of sucking): Oh. (sees the destrons) CRAAAAAP!!!!!! GETMEOUTGETMEOUTGETMEOUTGETMEOUTGETME OUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vectorman: Is it?

Hewkii: I dunno...

(All look on as NM is brutally tortured and ripped apart)

Random Destron(Throwing JoA): Bleachgh!!! I Hate Almonds!!!!!

JoA: Racist twit!

Voice: Hey! that's my line!

Vectorman: Cobra Commander?

CC: COBRA!!!!

NM: COBRA!!!!-

CC: You're being ripped apart, remember?

NM: Oh... AHHHHHHAAAHHHHAAAAHH

Hewkii: Ooh! And Skullker

Skullker: Yes, and- (sees that Hewkii is taking off his hood.) You won't like it you know.

Hewkii: How bad could it- AHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Hilary Clinton!!!!! So that's how you've gotten the people's vote!

Hilary: Yes and- (suddenly the power turns off)

Hewkii: Cammera!!! grunt what's going on? grunt did you blow the circuit box again? grunt Wha-? Don't give me that! You shouldn't be eating your Glazer Extreame™s by it!! grunt don't gemme that junk. I know you did I- (power comes on. Hewkii can be seen nearly at the throat of a metallic silver turtle monster w/ a headset. Hewkii sees his error.)

Hewkii: Oh... oh I see. YOU SAW NOTHING!!!

Cammera: (thumbs up) Grunt

(everyone looks with astonishment.)

Hewkii(in the rafters): Ok, Cammera, hit it!!!

Cammera: (thumbs up) Grunt (cuts wire causing lighting fixtures to fall on stage.)

Skullker: You shall not triumph!!

CC: Yeah, not another filler episode.

Hilary: Get them!

Hewkii: Halt!

(they do.)

Hewkii: Time for it!! Codename: Wormhole!

(Vectorman starts shooting pulse rounds in-between NM & JoA until it makes a solid line. There is considerable lag.)

Hewkii: Now, to finish it, (jumps into line as it forms a wormhole made out of himself as he is ripped apart.) Wiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!

POP!

(What will happen? Tune in later to find out!!!!!)


	12. Titan Quest: Intro

_The madness continues..._

* * *

**  
**

**Toa Hewkii: Titan Quest: Intro**

POP!

Hewkii: Whooohooo well I've been heavy metal!!!!! Whoooohoo- Huh? where am I?

(Hewkii is floating around inside a void of darkness.)

Hewkii: Hmmm. This can't be good...

Koran: Hello, my creation.

Hewkii: Uh, Lego made me just the way I am.

Koran: Ah, but I gave you a unique personality.

Hewkii: Wait a minute! Your Vector Sigma!!!

Koran: No.

Hewkii: Gone wrong. Horribly wrong!!! Wait, is the Oracle lies made by the Quintisonians, cause I-

Koran: I wrote you!!!!!!

Hewkii: Oh... k...

Koran: Hewkii, sigh I... You need to listen, ok?

Hewkii: Yes.

Koran: You guys are going on... A sidequest.

Hewkii: Yes.

Koran: You're absent minded today, aren't you?

Hewkii: Yes.

POPPOPPOPPOP

Vectorman: Hewkii, where are we?

Hewkii: No clue.

Koran(appearing): I'll tell you, (Black dimension turns into huge city.) Welcome to AGNOSTOS CENTRAL!!!!

to be continued...


	13. Titan Quest

_Hewkii's introduction to Alias' universe continues. Also, I don't own the rights to Agnostos Central._

* * *

**  
Toa Hewkii: Titan Quest**

When we last left Hewkii, they had just arrived in Agnostos Central

Koran: Well, whatdaya think?

Hewkii(eyeing skyscraper suspiciously): hmmmmm... I'm not convinced... (grabs Vectorman) Go Long, Skyscraper!!! (launches Vectorman in to air at skyscraper.)

Vectorman: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Snow Cat(watching): Now that's not very nice-

JoA: Shut It!

SC: Okey Dokey!

(Vectorman snaps on to building)

Vectorman: Uhg... (yelling) Hewkii, I thought we had a long discussion on this.

Hewkii: Discussion? I thought we were playing The Price Is Right.

Vectorman: Now Hewkii, I need you to realize that I do not like you throwing me, or slamming me into the ground, or doing anything related to my magnetic body...

Hewkii(concentrating on pants): Must... not... guess... four... muuuuney... cool, I won a trip to the National Amputation Museum.

Vectorman(Climbing down): Okey, whatever, I'll never have a conversation like that with you ever again.

Hewkii: Good, 'cause I won't either.

(awkward silence)

Koran: Ok... Look, let's just train.

All besides Koran: Train?

Koran: Yes, training.

NM: Wait, where's Wal-Mart?

Koran: Oh, right behind you.

All besides Koran: huh?

Hewkii: Well I'll be darned...

(The ginormus Wal-Mart Superhell stands at over 360 feet tall before them. There is lens-flare, and motion Blurr (They are playing Song 2).)

Koran: you can resume your mission at any time. But now, we need to train.

Hewkii: Ready NM?

NM: Ready, Hewkii.

Hewkii & NM: Won, Too, Tree!!!!

Snow Cat: O-K.

(Snow Cat Transforms into Vehicle mode and scoops them all up.)

Snow Cat: Where to?

Koran: There. In Car Tower.

Vectorman: Car Tower?

Koran: I came up with it when I was 5. At least we don't have this entire city in the shape of my first initial.

Hewkii: True.

Snow Cat: Where in here.

Koran: There, in that lift.

Snow Cat: Ok, now what?

Koran(pulls out keys w/ Gir Keychain.) Here. (enters in various keys, DNA scanners, card keys, passwords, punch cards, Cybertronian Circuit keys, Gogogadgettoothbrushes, The Omega Lock and all four Cyber Planet Keys and finally, the Gobotron prototype Minicon.) Going up.

(The Lift goes up past several showrooms of Transformers, Arcade games, every counsel known to man, Vipers Jaguars and Hummers (oh my!), and sci-fi movie props. Finally, they reach the top.)

Koran: Welcome to my penthouse!

Hewkii: You don't subscribe to the magazine, do you?

Koran: No.

NM: I like the HDTV with every channel known to man.

JoA: Except The N, MTV1&2, VH1, & the Disney Channel.

Koran: In my perfect, made up world here, there is no such thing as a channel preteen girls watch.

All: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Later, after everyone eats the entire supply of vanilla...)

All: uggggh...

Koran(headache intolerant I wish!): Well, let's train.

All else: OK!!!

(They enter the roof, which is built out of K•Nex.)

JoA: What now?

Koran: You are to build this into a furnished new floor for yourselves to live in.

Vectorman: What? These are flimsy!

Koran: Not if you build them properly, this entire building is built out of them.

Hewkii: Noah, convening.

Koran: Better get working, the first sun will set in two hours and after that it will rain for about... 26 hours.

Vectorman: We have 2 hours

Koran: Yeah, or your stuff will get wet.

JoA: Noooo! my souchel!!!

Hewkii: Ok, let's roll.

(2 hours later...)

Vectorman: Glad that's done.

Hewkii: Yeah, cause Snow Cat fell through the roof in that awful Space Bridge incident the first 5 seconds in.

(all look onward at the huge, Snow Cat - shaped hole in the roof.)

Koran(coming up to the roof after paying the grounds replicators for the repair.): Gee, thanks guys.

Hewkii No problem.

Koran: ... I like what you guys did with the place.

Hewkii: Yeah, we raised it up about 99.99-and-a-half feet.

NM: Yeah, we even made a room for JoA

JoA: I'm in my souchel, I'm in Paradise!

Koran: Good work. Now, we need to-

Bwaltzzzzz!!!!!

Vectorman: What was that!?

Koran: No time to explain. TO THE UNDERGROUND GNOME DEPOSIT!!!!!!!!!!

(They get into lift that falls 32 stories and drops them the next 124. they then land in a gnome colony.)

Hewkii: Yay! Pixies!

Gnomes: GASP!

ForGnome: Hey bub, you got something against gnomes?

Vectorman: Ignore him he's an idiot

Deep Voice: And also, one of our last hopes.

Hewkii: Oh.. My.. Gosh... RHINOX!!!!!!

Koran: Uh no, that's-

Rhinox-type person: Allow me to introduce myself. I am-

Hewkii: Tankor!

Rtp: No.

Hewkii: Tankor/Rhinox?

Rtp: No...

Hewkii: ...Universe Rhino-

Vectorman: No! he's Vector Prime!!!!!!!!

Vector Prime: Yes, that I am.

Hewkii: What you want, Rhino-man?

VP: There is an awkward disturbance cast deep within this dimension. It seems as though the only one to restore order is you, Hewkii, or some shape shifting green guy from another world.

Random Gnome: OOH! OOH! Like This! (Holds up monitor showing a titanic battle between a green person in a magenta jumpsuit, welding a sword in the shape of a key and fighting a group of shadowy monsters.)

Hewkii: Vegetable Guy!!!!

VP: His name is Beast Boy, he is here to stop the Heartless.

Hewkii: OH! like the policy of Microsoft eliminating all free software. STOOGES!!!!

VP: Well, technically speaking Bill Gates is indeed a Heartless, but we'll deal with that in a sequel. Heartless are those who loose their heart to darkness.

NM: Ooooh! like the Killer Moth who became that The Fly knockoff!

Hewkii: Or Ghost Rider and Speed Demon.

Snow Cat: Or Galvatron! (All look at him like he is covered in Cosmic Rust) Sorry. I just want to fit in.

Vectorman: Where did you come from, anyway?

Snow Cat: Well, it all started when my dad, Cyclonis, needed a wi-

All: Never Mind! Just be quiet!!!!

Snow Cat: Okey Dokey!

VP(pulling out sword): You need training. And I'm just the person to give it to you.

All: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(They train in the Gnome Deposit for a duration of Kingdom Titans. Finally...)

Vector Prime: It is finished. Your training is complete. If you need ay help I am just a summon away. Remember the technique.

All: Sir Yes Sir!!!(Snow Cat: Ma'm!)

Vectorman(looking to Koran): Where to next?

Koran: To the surface... LAST ONE THERE BUYS CUSTOM KITBASHES!!!!!!!!! (Snow Cat: Hey, I am a Kitbash!)

What happens Next?!!? Read Kingdom Titans To find out!!! Tune in next time for the continued stories of Toa Hewkii!!! (Post Titans)


	14. Chapter 12 NEW CHARACTER!

**IT' THE SUPER KORAN SUPER SHOW!!!: **_Thanx for reading. As you'll read, I have a **NEW CHARACTER!!!!!!!! **to introduce, probably Alias and my favorite character, I labored over him for about a year trying to adapt him from The Villian Who's Name Isn't Shirley to create the ultimate character. Enjoy!  
_

* * *

**Toa Hewkii: Part 12**

Ridiculously-fast-talking Announcer: This takes place after the events of KT1 so read that to get the full effect.

Some Announcer: After trying to save the world from darkness, The band of idiots return to settle the score on the Mirror of Isrheld.

PoP!

Hewkii: Yay! We're back at the  
Wal-Mart Superhell!

Vectorman(looking sunken): Uh, this is a little... upsetting.

Hewkii: QUIET YOU! WE NEED TO COMPLETE OUR QUEST!!! Come SideKicker!

NM: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEn-

Hewkii: DON'T GIVE AWAY THE PLOT!!! Hand me the memory card, oh, JoA.

JoA: As long as I have my Souchel, I'm Happy. (Gives memory card to Hewkii.)

Vectorman: Uh... nonononononono!!!!!! We don't need the clipshow!

Hewkii: You see that disclaimer?! We need to fill all those who don't know in!

-Loading Save File...-

Hewkii: (Bowing) Good day. (Pulls out remote pointer) As we were traveling on regular patrol...

Vectorman: Patrol?! I was just here to pick up some slacks-

Hewkii: And I was just seeing the new Bionicle Noobs but THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!! We discovered the Lost aisle and some crazy occult who sent us on some stupid quest for the "Mirror of Isrheld." (Lightning) OOOOH!!! We encountered many crazy allies along the way, such as Norse Mage...

NM: Thaaaaaat's Mii!

Hewkii: ...Jar of Almonds...

JoA: YOU WILL ALL TASTE MY WRATH!!!

Hewkii: ...aaaaaand that guy.

Snow Cat: Hellio there!

All: Shut It!!!

Snow Cat: Okey Dokey.

NM: Eventually, Hewkii got stupid and nearly blew up all existence if Koran and Vector Prime hadn't intervened (Titan Quest mini-serie- NOOOOO!!!!!  
Hewkii: I Wasn't stupid and I did what I needed to do. (Flips on Intercom.) Cammera, Please report to stage. Cammera to stage. (switches of intercom) just a second; need to talk to stage hand (Walks of stage) Cammera!!! (Grunt) I thought you wrote the teleprompt in my favor! (Grunt) What!? What do you mean Shatner requested it?!?! (Grunt) Wha?!? (Grunt) Camm, Camm, (Grunt) he left. (Grunt) he's been kicked off. When has he been here? (Grunt) So, he bribed you? Is that it? (Grunt) Oh, Oh that's just great (Grunt) He gave you a ton of axle grease. (Grunt) Cammera!!! (Grunt) Your benefits already give you that stuff! (Grunt) A ton. (Grunt) Cammera, I will- (Grunt) Ok, Koran will give you a ton of axle grease. (Grunt) Literally. (Grunt) Yes, (Grunt) lit- (Grunt) Dude, Camm - eer - a. Your ton is on the way (Grunt) Of course its UPS. You can track it that way. (Grunt) Ok, ok. Just, let's get back.

(back onstage...)

Shatner: ...Well- I- fought- with- the- C- S- A- (dumdumdum) I- ba- tt- led- a- Scrull- (dumdumdumdumdum) I- ri- ddled- with- the- C- S- A- (dumdumdumdumdumdum) A- sa- cred- mirr- ior- I- Stole- (dumdudumdumdumdum) I- WHAM!!!!

Hewkii: You! Did! Not! Do! So!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Shatner passes out as toupeé falls off.)

Hewkii: Now, let's continue with our quest.

NM: Um, can we take off these lousy toupees?

Vectorman: Go right ahead.

(All take them off)

...Loading Quest. Be patient you!...

POP!

Hewkii: Kool! We're back!

Vectorman: Wait, where's the snowfort?

NM: And Cobra commander!?!?

Hewkii: I swear, if this is like Animal Crossing, I'm gonna bop 'em one.

Voice: Ah! It looks like I have just made some ENEMIES!!!

(All turn 'round as a chibi Saron-like creature with a Cylon-style eye glares at them.)

Hewkii: MASTER CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Creature: I... I... I don't have a name. But I raise some mean Tulips

Vectorman: I believe he's an Anti-Villain.

NM: He's a what now?

Vectorman: Like an Anti-Hero, but with villains.

Hewkii: Hmmmm... I'm a gonna name you Richard Vlandermire Klopitqx FFVII the Third.

RVKFFVII3: And I will go by the nickname: Vlan

Hewkii: Coool!!! that's an awesome name, (nudge) Vlan.

Vlan: Yes, and I will kill you all!!!

Vectorman, NM, & Hewkii: Gasp!! (JoA: That's my kind of guy)

Vlan: But first, I will lead you to the Mirror of Isrheld, and bake you cookies!!!

NM, & Hewkii: Yaaaaay!!! (JoA: Dangit!)

Vectorman(amazed, then rather annoyed): Ok, let's-

Hewkii: Join our party! Join our Party!!!

Vlan: Well, I Gues-

Bald Shatner: Not so fast!

All: huh?

Bald Shatner: You- all- for- get- that- I- am- still- in- your- party,- and- that- makes- six-

Hewkii(whispering, slowly): I am gonna kill you Shatner...

Vlan: Well, yes, well, I am still your Nemesis!!! But I will still lead you to the mirror... And kill Shatner on Hewkii's request!!! Mwaahahaahahahhahahhahahahahhahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahhahhahahahhahhahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahhahahhahhahhahhaahhahahahhahahhahahhahaahahahhahahhahahaahhahahhahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahhahhahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahhahahhahahahahhahahhahahhahhahahahahahhahahhahhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JoA(turning to Shatner): I like him.

(they head down into a dark crevice.)

NM: Sooooo Vlan, what's with the one red eye and horns?

Vlan: My parents were Sauron and a Cylon.

Hewkii: Wow! That would have made an awesome Sitcom!

Vlan(turns and pulls out a TV set and a TiVo): It was. (click!)

Wayne Brady: Coming to Fox this fall; A hilarious new sitcom: Sauron and the Cylon.

'One of them's the dark lord of Morador.  
The other slays humans and wants some more,  
The fun and antics never fades,  
with prophecies and Cylon raids,

They're both have one eye and their evil will never fall,  
except one screams 'One ring to RULE THEM ALL!!!!!!'

Doodoodoodoodoo  
doooodoodoodoodoodoo  
doooodoodoodoodoodoo  
doooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Sauron and the Cylon people! Haha!!!'

Vlan: as you can see, it didn't get to far... and the variety show was a disaster.

Vectorman: ...Ok...

Vlan: Right, here's my room.

Hewkii & NM: NEAT!!!

Vlan: Make yourselves at home.

NM: Uh, Vlan, why are there bars?

Vectorman: Bars?

Voice: Ah Hah! Caught you! We knew you'd come back!

NM: WAHT?!?! I dids nothin' 'rong!!! Leave mEs ALONE!!!!!

Vlan: Well, they just so happen to be the Eastern Ice Nomads, holders of the Mirror of Isrehld.

NM: They look like an Ice Yeti covered in a shag carpet

Ice Nomads: Silence infidel! This little runt has been a thorn in our side for a long time! We lock him up every day and every night he escapes

Vlan(walking past Ice Nomad): Yes, and all this escaping makes me thirsty. Time for some Red Bull.

Ice Nomad: Oh, no you don't! (picks up Vlan with fingers and places him back into room)

Vlan: Fine! I'll make some Easy Bake and won't share!!! (Package rack is dry) Time to reorder!?!? CURSE YOU KARMA!!!!!!

Ice Nomad: ...yeah.

JoA: Now you listen to me you back off Nomad! Let us out!

Vectorman: Why did he do that?

Hewkii: His souchel's outside.

Ice Nomad: My Gosh!!! It's! It's! It's the Jar of Almonds!!!

Other Ice Nomads(chanting): Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of Almonds! Jar of...

Vectorman: Not again... Hewkii do something!

Hewkii: Ok! (sticks thumb in, mouth and drops bit of saliva on Vectorman's head, paralyzing him)

Vectorman: AhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhH!! (Klunk!) Why'd you do that!?

Hewkii: You told me to do something.

Vectorman: You can't just leave me here!

Hewkii: Naw, I'll fix you!

Vectorman: Hewkii, I am advanced robotics beyond your wildest comprehension. Shouldn't you get Nuparu?

Hewkii: And make another Bionicle reference? (Klunk! Vectorman: Ow...) I can do waaay more than that bookworm could ever do. Here. (brings out an old, surround sound DVD system) this should help you, Vec.

Vectorman: Hewkii, that thing has been given more static shocks than actual episodes of Static Shock that.. has.. seeeeeerviiiiiiicee annnooouuuncemen... t... s... click Goodbye!

Hewkii: Glad he's finally shut up. Now! to business!!!

meanwhile...

NM: Jar of Almonds what the heck is going on here?!!??!

JoA: Shht! Move! (Pushes NM of alter.) Attention!!! You shall all listen to me! Now, as you all know, I am completely EVIIIL!!!

NM: Gasp! I never knew!!!

JoA: And now!!! I demaaaaand! a sacrifice!!!

Ice Nomads: Yes! Yes! Sacrifice!!!

JoA: We need one in order to free the mirror from its icy prison!!!

Ice Nomads: Yes! Yes! Icy prison!!!

JoA: Sooooooo! I demand!!! We need to toss in the most useless two party members in first... Snow Cat and Shatner!!!

Shatner: Oh- crap-!

Snow Cat: Umm, Mr. Jar of Almonds.

JoA: Ugh, what is it you worthless pile of grease.

Snow Cat: Well um, I... you see, I transport you guys around Wal-Mart, soooo... ulp! (JoA grabs him,)

JoA: I could care less about transporting the others. NM provided me with my souchel and thaat's all I care about (throws him into the mirror)

Snow Cat: AHHHHHhhh!h!h!h!hh!h!!1!!!!!!

JoA: And now you, Shatner! (The Ice Nomads pick him up) I wish our good friend Vlan could bring about your demise, but you see he's not here and it brings me great pleasure to do this myself (caber tosses him into the mirror; falls short)

Ice Nomad: Only 50 meters your Excellency!

JoA(grumbling): darn long room that could hold Godzilla! How did I throw 10-ton Snow Cat into it? (kicks Shatner into mirror. The prison begins to unravel)(hysterical) YeS! haahahhahahhahahahahahhahaha!!!!!! No intelligent being can stop me now!!!

meanwhile...

Hewkii: Oh crap! I seems to have done this the wrong way. (Vectorman is scattered in a 10-foot radius around Hewkii) Okeeeeeeeeey... I know! I'll wake him up! (klik!) whoopie! he's awake!

Vectorman: mmm... (smack, smack) What the??!?!?!?!?!?!???!!!!??!?!??!?! HEEEEEEEEEEWKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hewkii: tsk! tsk! That's not the way to spell it.

Vectorman: Hewkii, what the crap did you do?!?

Hewkii: I tried to fix ya' dude!

Vectorman: Hewkii, Hewkii, what did I tell you?

Hewkii: Ummmmmmmmmmmmm... Uh, pass?

Vectorman: Not to tamper with me.

Hewkii: Oh I know, I just wanted to 'tamper' with you. Get it?

Vectorman: ...Hewkii, find some way to mobilize me or you will face my wrath.

Hewkii: Okey dokey! (whips out mesh backpack and starts shoveling him inn) There!

Vectorman: Wow, Jar of Almonds is right, I do feel comfort in here.

Hewkii: Quit your jibba jabba! Look!!!!!!

JoA: Yes! The Mirror is mine! hahahahhahahahahahahahhahahhhhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhaahhahahhahahahhahahahahhahahhahaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

Hewkii: I'll take that! (Swipes mirror)

JoA: Wha?!! Give me that!

Hewkii: haha! NM, Catch!

NM: Yaaaaay! (grabs mirror) Reg has the ball at the top of the key (dribbles mirror)

JoA: No! Don't!

Hewkii: (catches it) Well, if you want it so bad... DEATH SPIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Chucks mirror at JoA)

JoA: nononononononononononooo!!!!!!! (Mirror hits him, cracking his jar glass)

(Rumbling)

Vectorman: Wha-a-a-a-a-t's going on?

Ice Nomad: The spirit! The Spirit!

All Nomads: The spirit! THe SPIRIT!!!

Hewkii: RUNN AWAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!

Vectorman: Wait! We can't leave the others!

Hewkii: We can and we will! Come, husky-helmet mage!

NM: Ruff! (Gets out sled & starts to pull it)

Vectorman: We're not gonna make it! It's caving in!

Hewkii: Snow Dog! you lazy bint! you've been eating your onion ring sauce haven't you?!?

NM: Hey, Snow Cat's been carryin' us and I lost exercise!

Vlan: Need a lift?

Hewkii: Vlan-Man!!!

Vlan: The Same.

Vectorman: What?!!? Where?!?!

NM: There! in M.O.G.U.E.R.A.!!!

Vectorman: Wait?!!!??! How'd you get a G-Force Mecha!?!?!??!?!?!!

Vlan: No time! Throw me your arm!!!

Hewkii: Okey Dokey! (grabs Vectorman's arm & attaches it to Ax.)

Vectorman: Wait!!! We Need Our Friends!!!

Hewkii: Tough! Tough! annnd (grabs NM) Awaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!

Vectorman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAahAHHH!!

NM: Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!

(They latch on & get inside)

Vectorman (still screaming): AHHHHHHHH! ah!ah!ah!ah!

NM(laughing like Gir): HHEEHHEHEHHEHEHHEHHEHEHHEHEHHEHHEHEHHEHEHHEHEHHEHHEHEHEEEEE!

Hewkii: Shuut IIiiiiiiIIIIIiiiIit1!!!!!!

(all are quiet.)

Hewkii: Not you, NM. Continue. (He does)

Vlan: Welcome aboard!

Hewkii: Wait, (drops bag; Vectorman: Ahh! (thonk!)) How the heck are you able to fly this thing?

Vlan: I relied on The Heart of the Cards!!!

Vectorman: So, just dumb luck.

Vlan: You got it!!!

NM: Ohhhh!!! lemme fly! (goes over & presses button; M.O.G.U.E.R.A. shoots spiral missiles and blows up the women's clothes department; all men in relationships rejoice.)

Vectorman: Gimmie thaaat!

NM: No way! You're... falling appart! (laughs uncontrollably) hehe, (sniff) funnies (no one is listening; Vectorman's arms are at the controls) Nonononononooooo. you can't drive.

Vectorman: And why not?

NM: You can't see the ro- (Vectorman aims his pulse generator at him.) ...uh, ok.

Hewkii: Just let him fly.

NM: ...ok. (walks back to seat)

(meanwhile...)

JoA: Uhggh... I hate those guys. (looks around) guys... um, my worshipers... anyone?

Voice: All of the Nomads are dead. You, and your two 'sacrifices' are the only ones alive, abet dying.

JoA: Ugg, who said that?

(shadows emanate from JoA's cracks in his glass. It takes a circular shape with a shadowy claw & one eye)

Being: I... am VAATII!!!!!!

To be continued...


End file.
